Kalen Nicole

But let me see if—using these words as a little plot of land and my
life as a cornerstone—
I can build you a center.
—Qiu Miaojin

For the past several months, I’ve been consuming a lot of narratives- through albums, television shows, novels, movies, podcasts, and conversations that turned into monologues. I’ve been listening, consuming each new morsel readily anticipating a final synapse to occur in my brain, a synapse that would reveal some hidden-in-plain-sight connection that would give value to my constant search for order within the constant clamor and chaos.

For the past several months, I’ve been reflecting on the decisions big and small that lead me to this juncture in life: semi-recently graduated, career newb, hopeful yet doubting, rushed- but slow-moving; the tension between making my own decisions (but seeking validation); wanting but dodging accountability and necessary growth.

For the past several months, I’ve been wondering about time and chance- about possibilities and facts, and the possibility of me accepting the facts, and the fact that I can create possibility.

Though I have been in constant motion mentally- consuming, reflecting, and wondering, I have been physically placid, stoic, aimless, careful, and robotic- as if my actions and reactions were wearied by my constant mental exercises rather than conditioned by them.



So, inspired to change roles from consumer to creator, I picked up my phone to compose an Instagram post. To share something on the photo-sharing turned life-sharing platform that would allow me to reclaim myself as the happy-go-lucky “caption queen.”

I had the quote before I had the picture. A quote from On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous, by Ocean Vuong. This novel is a letter written by author Ocean Vuong to his illiterate mother. The vivid story-telling, detail, and bravery of the author centering his perspective was enrapturing.

As I found the picture to accompany the quote, I thought of Kendrick Lamar and Ab-Soul:

See I spent twenty-three years on this earth searching for answers
… Till one day I realised I had to come up with my own
I‘m not on the outside looking in, I’m not on inside looking out
I’m in the dead * centre looking around

As I perceived myself, perceiving myself in the center of my life looking all around- I remembered the joy and liberation of embracing the situatedness of my identity.

No one sees the world as I do. That’s a fact. And today, that evokes a sense of wonder, divine responsibility, hope and possibility, and a little less fear.

We build our own world
If you don’t leave with nothing else tonight
You will leave with knowing yourself
You will leave knowing that you represent something that’s bigger than all of us