Kalen Nicole

In Sociology last week we studied self-perception.

I learned there’s:

• The ideal self: Who a person would like to be
• Self concept: A person’s perceptions and feelings about him or herself, personality, strengths, weaknesses and relationships with others
• The real self:  Who a person actually is

Dem Franchise Boyz eloquently verbalize how I perceive I am perceived by others:

Yea these fellas like me, haters want to fight me
Yea these fellas mad cuz I came up over night B
Yea I switch it up I got 9 kuff tightly
So you betta do the right thing like Spike Lee
Yep I’m superclean rock jeans wit a white tee

Yeah I think they like me (x16)

-Dem Franchise Boyz

But on the inside, sometimes I feel like this:

Often times there are discrepancies between these versions of ourselves, and these discrepancies create room for anxiety, worry, low self-esteem and invalidation etc.

My psychology lesson lead me to recall a conversation I had with my cousin last Spring. In so many failed, empty and desperate words I tried to explain the stress I feel in trying live up to the expectations I feel others place on me to be: kind, considerate, intelligent, responsible, hard working, invested. These are all characteristics I possess, but these characteristics exist alongside what I consider as my less favorable attributes.

I failed to realize that my character is simply an accumulation of choices. Often times I choose to be thoughtful, considerate, responsible, but sometimes I make a choice that I don’t feel others approve of as much. A choice that puts my present desires and needs above that of serving others and fulfilling their expectations of me.

My good friend Carl Rogers described this feeling as conditions of worth:

“A person’s perception, that they are only valuable when they act as others expect and prefer them to behave.”

My cousin/ sis has helped me to develop a stronger sense of myself and taught me how to value my own happiness and peace.

I am no more worthy sweeping up the fellowship hall at church than I am taking the biggest cookie on a platter or racing a middle aged woman to nearest open cash register.

These Man Repeller articles address Impostor Syndrome and are very insightful:

http://www.manrepeller.com/2016/10/impostor-phenomenon.html

http://www.manrepeller.com/2017/09/how-to-be-happy-be-it.html

This is more than a personality assessment of need for approval, this feeling is innate. It is a spiritual, it is feeling that approval must be earned.

And so the pressures I place on myself to rationalize my personal choices and relationships with others, are immediate representations of my spirituality, my relationship with God and myself.

When I think of God’s goodness and mercy, I know I am unworthy. He knows it to, but the thing is I could never be worthy of His love or of salvation. Because the impossibility to be worthy as a human, Jesus sacrificed His life on the cross. For my redemption and atonement. The work has been done.

So to anyone feeling like they have something to prove- you don’t. The work has been done. Even you, “I’m doing this for myself.” Always challenge yourself, but you don’t need to prove anything.

So yeah I think dey like me, and shoot I like me too.